>And the world crashes around you... There is a trial each of us goes through; each man who, as a young boy, realizes he sees the world in a way that differs from that of his father, his brother, his friend, his hyperactively oppressive juggernaught of a middle school peer pressure induced please God don't let me be seen as different social image oppressed desire to fit in somehow community. Did you get that? Well, it doesn't translate to words so well...it's so much easier felt alone, afraid, in the dark. Perhaps it is because I can look back now on that time, still with some cloudy lenses I'll admit, and see the heart of the boy...even if I can't see what was in the mind...and I can understand that those fears were so very real, so very crippling.
Was I afraid to come out to my father....hell yes. Of course, "coming out" was not a term so easily understood then. I didn't know there was a whole series of terms associated with what I was feeling...for that matter, I refused to feel anything. I flat out refused to open my mind to the possibility that there was anything wrong. Nope. Not here. Instead, I just closed my world around me and only allowed those things that were safe to peek into that little dark realm.
But, for now, I am not going to talk about the whole coming out phenomenon...it's been done. For anyone going through any portion of this, you have a feel for what I am saying. What I want to talk about is the compounding of shame.
As I said, it is becuase I can look back on the boy from this middle age and recognize the fears that I am so angry now. And, who gets such anger thrust upon them you ask? The Church!
I am a Christian. Yep, boo now...it is often not seen as cool. But, perhaps it is because of the shame the church (case intended) tries to lay at the steps of people. Not just the people who go to that church and subscribe to the diatribe from the pulpit, but anyone in ear shot. Nonetheless, I love God; I love what He has done for me; I love that He loves little ole me. (Trust me...there are few enough who love me that I appreciate those that do.) I enjoy listening to the local Christian music station, the so called "contemporary" Christian music is so filled with hope and love. That same hope and love I hear in the music helps me not to shoot the talking heads that dj and administer the station. In the unlikely event that such a talking head is reading this please read closely here: Christainity is not about shame...it is about love.
So, I forgive my father his words of disgust in reference to homosexual people; he is a product of his environment and is just as open to error as anyone. To be human is to err, yes? And, I forgive my classmates and friends, who I just knew would have sought out my destruction as any weak being in their midst and fair game for "deflect attention to:_____". They were young and just as open to foolishness as anyone. I have no forgiveness for the Church, which would heap shame upon troubled souls....
Let me say this again: You, who claim you speak for God yet do not read his Word - or at least do not read his Word without trying to manipulate It, I am calling you out for your horror of duplicity. Jesus speaks no where about homosexuality, only love. The Old Testament, for which you garner your argument, does speak against it...briefly and in context, along with a whole host of other things. Chief among them adultery, but since that is so rampant in the congregation and pulpit it strikes a bit close, huh? How about lying? The Old Testament is supposed to show that there is no possible way to live without sin, to meet God on even terms is rediculous because we are born in sin. This is not a time to scrub ourselves clean...it can't be done...it is a time to realize that the Christian faith says Jesus has taken that upon Himself. HOW DARE YOU try to cherry pick your acceptable sins!
Jesus called out the Pharisees, a group of very devout Jews who truly tried to live without sin - if we can presume their words and hearts coincided, for being so bold as to point out the doorway to heaven and then stand in the way of others trying to enter. Those vipers now in the pulpit who at one breath tell me Jesus loves me and with the other scream how he hates me because I am gay need a moment with Him indeed. HOW DARE YOU tell me God hates me!? I have enough confusion in my life...I have enough shame with my father and community, how am I supposed to live with the thought that God hates me too?
SO.....there is the Judgement.
Isn't it funny, folks? Isn't it queer? Losing my timing so late in my career....this is most likely the first time I have admitted publicly, even though annonymously, that I am gay. Send in the clowns...If there are some of you out there who understand my struggle, especially if there are some of you younger ones who have been so fortunate to grow in a society that is both more accepting of homosexuality and more able to make life a living hell, allow me to speak clearly for God. Love God. Love other people who He created. And know above all else that He Loves You! To those who would try to put words of hate in God's mouth.....be prepared for warmer climates.
love;
randy.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
JUDGEMENT TIME.....
>And the world crashes around you... There is a trial each of us goes through; each man who, as a young boy, realizes he sees the world in a way that differs from that of his father, his brother, his friend, his hyperactively oppressive juggernaught of a middle school peer pressure induced please God don't let me be seen as different social image oppressed desire to fit in somehow community. Did you get that? Well, it doesn't translate to words so well...it's so much easier felt alone, afraid, in the dark. Perhaps it is because I can look back now on that time, still with some cloudy lenses I'll admit, and see the heart of the boy...even if I can't see what was in the mind...and I can understand that those fears were so very real, so very crippling.
Was I afraid to come out to my father....hell yes. Of course, "coming out" was not a term so easily understood then. I didn't know there was a whole series of terms associated with what I was feeling...for that matter, I refused to feel anything. I flat out refused to open my mind to the possibility that there was anything wrong. Nope. Not here. Instead, I just closed my world around me and only allowed those things that were safe to peek into that little dark realm.
But, for now, I am not going to talk about the whole coming out phenomenon...it's been done. For anyone going through any portion of this, you have a feel for what I am saying. What I want to talk about is the compounding of shame.
As I said, it is becuase I can look back on the boy from this middle age and recognize the fears that I am so angry now. And, who gets such anger thrust upon them you ask? The Church!
I am a Christian. Yep, boo now...it is often not seen as cool. But, perhaps it is because of the shame the church (case intended) tries to lay at the steps of people. Not just the people who go to that church and subscribe to the diatribe from the pulpit, but anyone in ear shot. Nonetheless, I love God; I love what He has done for me; I love that He loves little ole me. (Trust me...there are few enough who love me that I appreciate those that do.) I enjoy listening to the local Christian music station, the so called "contemporary" Christian music is so filled with hope and love. That same hope and love I hear in the music helps me not to shoot the talking heads that dj and administer the station. In the unlikely event that such a talking head is reading this please read closely here: Christainity is not about shame...it is about love.
So, I forgive my father his words of disgust in reference to homosexual people; he is a product of his environment and is just as open to error as anyone. To be human is to err, yes? And, I forgive my classmates and friends, who I just knew would have sought out my destruction as any weak being in their midst and fair game for "deflect attention to:_____". They were young and just as open to foolishness as anyone. I have no forgiveness for the Church, which would heap shame upon troubled souls....
Let me say this again: You, who claim you speak for God yet do not read his Word - or at least do not read his Word without trying to manipulate It, I am calling you out for your horror of duplicity. Jesus speaks no where about homosexuality, only love. The Old Testament, for which you garner your argument, does speak against it...briefly and in context, along with a whole host of other things. Chief among them adultery, but since that is so rampant in the congregation and pulpit it strikes a bit close, huh? How about lying? The Old Testament is supposed to show that there is no possible way to live without sin, to meet God on even terms is rediculous because we are born in sin. This is not a time to scrub ourselves clean...it can't be done...it is a time to realize that the Christian faith says Jesus has taken that upon Himself. HOW DARE YOU try to cherry pick your acceptable sins!
Jesus called out the Pharisees, a group of very devout Jews who truly tried to live without sin - if we can presume their words and hearts coincided, for being so bold as to point out the doorway to heaven and then stand in the way of others trying to enter. Those vipers now in the pulpit who at one breath tell me Jesus loves me and with the other scream how he hates me because I am gay need a moment with Him indeed. HOW DARE YOU tell me God hates me!? I have enough confusion in my life...I have enough shame with my father and community, how am I supposed to live with the thought that God hates me too?
SO.....there is the Judgement.
Isn't it funny, folks? Isn't it queer? Losing my timing so late in my career....this is most likely the first time I have admitted publicly, even though annonymously, that I am gay. Send in the clowns...If there are some of you out there who understand my struggle, especially if there are some of you younger ones who have been so fortunate to grow in a society that is both more accepting of homosexuality and more able to make life a living hell, allow me to speak clearly for God. Love God. Love other people who He created. And know above all else that He Loves You! To those who would try to put words of hate in God's mouth.....be prepared for warmer climates.
love;
randy.
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