Like some sort of comedy of errors, a Benny Hill Show in living color, my little world trudges on step after goofy step, and I can't help but to wonder sometimes where it will end up. I've made it very clear in my blog sidebar that I've lived my life a bit as a lie, never really coming out as gay or straight, but perhaps not doing so has made it all too clear for all too many. Who knows, and perhaps, who cares.
I wasn't all too fired up to declare myself because I figure I have enough problems at the moment. Would it effect my friends...probably. My job? No, shouldn't...but there are a lot of shouldn'ts in this world that just seem to be there anyway. So, when I got the call this morning from an old friend, one who I grew up with just a few houses between, I probably should have been much more circumspect. But, there the goofy foot goes, and step by step, my path grows ever sillier. She asked if I have a girlfriend, how am I doing...yada yada. Well, she knows enough about me to know enough and finally just came out and asked. Damn, now what? I told her I'm still searching for the answers.
You know, in a world where I've been subject to unending judgement from much of my family, here comes this wonderful person, whose life is filled with problems of her own including cancer, addictions, mental struggles, who told me that she could care less either way. She said that it was more important to be happy than to make everyone around me happy....and that I should just be me. Isn't that just the most sage advice?
Of course, words and actions are often so different. It's easy to say, it's harder to do. Life on the rail gets you splinters, that's for sure, but perhaps the silly little strut my life seems to be on will waddle me right towards the very things she wants me to commit to - the very things I need to commit to in order to begin living. Nonetheless, I think right now I'm going to do my best to be happy where I am and try to avoid running head long into any walls. ...randy.
