You have a choice...

I have been both the victim and the vicitimizer.....a horrible realization. To understand that I have been in the position to hurt someone else is so horrible to me now. There were times I was a bully just so I wouldn't be bullied. I was the one in hiding...hiding away from the sexual abuse I was receiving from an older neighborhood boy (he had been told on and nothing happened - what could I have done?). I was hiding from physical abuse and emotional abuse living right under the same roof. And from my hiding spot, I became just as bad and worse an abuser.....I am so sorry, so ashamed. An adult person makes choices in his or her life and has to live with those choices. Sometimes we don't even realize why we do what we do, but doing it is the adult's choice. I chose to hurt who I hurt due mostly to the hurt I had in me. Did that absolve me? Was it ok because I didn't set out to hurt someone? Hey, I was drunk? I was sad? I was lonely? I was mad? No! Just because I was hurting did not make me hurting someone else any more acceptable than saying because I have a dent in my car I'm going to crash your car. I live with the pain I have caused everyday when I look into the mirror. I can't get away from it.....Scottie tells me not to be so hard on myself, to love myself...but for years I was the person who was told he was worthless; would never be anything; why was I even born; so ugly; such a jerk; can't do anything right; I can't even stand the sight of you....I've had guns pointed at me and dry-fired, then called a wimp becasue I didn't like it. And yet, I still love these people; I still crave the acceptance and I still need the positive strokes from these people. And, I still hate the person that was so unworthy of that love, acceptance, respect........me. I wish I could go back in time and tell the people I bullied and hurt how sorry I was and make it all somehow go away. I can't....they are living with my abuse in some way the same as I am living with the abuse that was done to me. And, then there is the moral righteous.....whose "job" it is to punish and castigate at every opportunity. These 'holier-than-thou' folks with vengence in their hearts ... and they probably don't even know why. Facts are useless to them..... just as useless to my victims is the fact that I was a victim, so is the fact for such people who would abuse from a stance of righteousness that they are actually in the wrong. It doesn't matter....the hurt is there on both sides no matter the reason. The only difference: the hurt one side is feeling is a choice of the other.

My favorite place on earth....

Well, the trip to see Mom and Dad for Mother's Day went quite well, considering the short duration I would be able to spend there with them. I couldn't get Mom to stop cooking....she was even bringing me coffee. Doesn't seem right.

It is my favorite place in the world, going to see them. The pic here is from the small lake on which they live...there are homes all around the lake, but on mornings when the fog is rolling off the lake like this you wouldn't know. Then, all you can hear is the song of the loon, the occasiounal lap of the water on shore, the chattering of your teeth....the world is at peace. It is a chance to believe in God, to rest in His creation. I spent a lot of my youth there.....it is sad that I only go up there now when it is not going to be crowded, which means early spring and late fall. I may just have to change that this year.

My puppy was not really all that happy about the truck ride. She made the entire trip with her head on my chest or lap, pressed into me for everything she was able. I had to physically remove her from my lap twice as I couldn't drive like that....we will need to make more trips and get her feeling more comfortable. Besides, it's really hard to snack when the dog's yap is less than 4 inches from one's own. But, she so enjoyed all the new smells and SQUIRREL!!!!! there. That dog about turned herself inside out when she saw the geese come in for a landing.

Mom enjoyed the dog....Dad was a bit less enthused. He's grumpy. But, I took up flowers and beer...covered all the bases, and really enjoyed spending time with them. They are good people, I must admit.

As an aside......speaking of good people.....my many and sincere thanks to Scottie (especially) and also to JR for all your encouragement. Also, thanks to Ty....who I understand is trying to get through the complexity of blogger and leave me comments. Keep trying, Ty....and I'll keep trying from this end to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

-randy.

some nice pics...

Let me pull a page from Scottie's book....

Ya know, I just don't have anything earth shattering to share with you.....so I thought I would take a page from Scottie's book and tell you about my day. Yep, this is your cue to leave...

I took a night off work, don't know why as I didn't accomplish much more than a full night's sleep. But, that was nice in of itself. Pooch woke me up at 7:00 to go pee, or at least I assumed that was the reason she was chewing on my arm, and pitched her outside. She seemed happy enough to go, but that might just be to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

I watched the end of Avatar....I was too sleepy to watch the whole thing last night....and enjoyed it. Am I crazy or did it seem to be a remake of Dances With Wolves? I don't know, got a definite flavor of that type of movie there. But, in the end the bad guys lost and the good guys won, and all is right with the world....just don't look to the Persian gulf, the Gulf of Mexico, or the Aegean Sea, Nashville......is it my imagination or is there a theme developing around water here?

So, did the obligatory Walmart run today. Had to get the dog a new bowl.....I've been using plastic bowls, but she ate those. Yes, my dog won't bite the hand that feeds her, but the bowl is fair game. Did you know that a dog dish is roughly $12, but you can buy a ceramic bowl in the dishes area for $1. She got 2. Difference? No paw print on the side.

Bought Mom some flowers....again, obligatory but traditional. I buy her a couple hanging baskets every year. She oohs and aahs...but seems to like them anyway. I'm heading on up to see them after work on Saturday. Going to stay the night and let them mee the dog.....God, I hope she doesn't poop on thier floor. It would be just my luck. - - My aunt wanted to ride up with me and visit, but when I told her she was welcome as long as she didn't mind a 58 pound dog in her lap she realized she had other commitments and would need to stay in town.

Last.....heading off to bed soon. I made my current favorite: box mac & cheese with tuna. Ok, sounds gross, but I like it. The dog was walking around with her nose in the air, so I gave her a few ice cubes.....much cheaper than treats and she seems tickled to get them.

And there was my day....the highlilghts. Yep, my days are that boring. Sorry. I told you to run.

Trying to Give a Helping Hand....

Somehow, the concept of helping out, of not just making the effort but actually bleeding for fellow man, has become immersed in hypocrisy and prejudice.....

Well, I have tried to be a helping soul...a person who will give a hand up to anyone who is ready to ask and receive ....we all know those few people who are definitely in need but have no desire for help. But, there are organizations, people standing up and calling out to the rest of us to help our fellow man. How can we refuse? How can I say no.....

I'm beginning to learn the merits of that little word.

Oh, the tease, the tease....get to your dang point! Sorry...I'm trying to be dramatic. So, my point: Did you know that giving blood is such an incredibly safe and secure procedure, and that the donation you make today can help dozens of people? Did you know that the blood donated is screened for drugs, disease, general health of the donor, and even stale dated? It is cared for like the individual golden life supporting gift it is. I am so proud that the donations I am making are so useful and needful. It seems something simple I can manage...bleed in a bag. I may be pee shy, but I can bleed on command - provided you have a needle or something. I'm so proud that I even have managed to get my first gallon pin recently.

But, my pride and desire to help become compromised by the prejudice of the very folks who ask me to come bleed for them. Did you know that Black Americans are prone to Scicle Cell Anemia and heart disease? Well, we don't want blood that is a potentially sick persons! Did you know that Native Americans are prone to alcoholism? Well, we don't want blood that is potentially from a drunk person! Hey, did you know that Caucasian Americans are prone to obesity? Well, we don't want blood with a high fatty content! Did you know that persons of a homosexual orientation are prone to AIDS? Well, we don't want to get blood from someone who has AIDS!

Did you know that only one of those statements is true?

Yep, my pride and joy, my sincere gratitude to a loved person who requires blood transfusions and so compells me to give blood, is done with an organizations that has no problem with prejudice.....they don't seem to mind it at all. If you have homosexual relations, if you do the wild thing with a man, no matter how careful, how clean, how loving...do not give blood. They won't take it. We're sickies.

There would be an outcry of racial prejudice if a so-called Black man were to be denied based on his ethnicity. Same for the Native American. The Caucasian American would create a cry of protest running all the way to Fox News... But the Gay man? Eh, we can live with that. After all, the white, red, black, yellow, blue, purple, aquamarine, etc., man or woman, despite humping like bunnies, n-e-v-e-r contract aids. Nope....that's just for the rainbow man. See what happens when you align yourself with more than one color?

So, I comfort myself with the knowledge that giving blood is necessary and needful. I don't lie on the questionaire.......I have a really big closet and I am really lonely! But, I don't feel right about it.