Friday, March 25, 2011

Sanctity for the Sanctimonious

Effective Time Consultants...

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization... The spoon:Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, ‘Muthu’s Place,’ and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’ ‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’ As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..’ I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’ ‘Oh, certainly!’ Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

Corporate Condom

Have you ever noticed that prejudice is only logical in the absence of logic?

noticed this in my wanderings today... A conversation about marriage (with some classmates) Classmate #1: Like, I'm okay with gay people wanting to be with each other. But marriage should be between a guy and a girl. Classmate #2: I don't even want to see it. Like, it's nasty. Me: Oh my god! I know! My neighbor was talking about how he and his Jewish girlfriend wanna get married and I was like "Why should you two be allowed to get married?" in my head. I mean, why would they think it was okay for a Christian and a Jew to get married. Disgusting. Classmates: .... Me: And let me tell you about this other couple I saw making out at the mall. It was nasty. The boy was white and the girl was black. Can you believe that? Two people of different races being together? That's just wrong. Classmate #2: What the hell is wrong with you? So what if they want to be together? Classmate #1: Yeah, there isn't anything wrong with it. Me: Are you kidding me? It's completely wrong.There is only one kind of marriage that is okay. And that is between a man and a woman of the same race, religious background, with the same income level and from the same place. We wouldn't want kids to think that diversity is okay. God wouldn't appreciate these people ruining the sanctity of marriage. Classmate #1: Why are you even in this conversation? God loves everyone. Me: What? So you're telling me that God doesn't care who you marry, because he loves everyone? Classmate #1: Yeah... Me: Does he love animals, too? Classmate #1: He loves human and animals and living creatures all around. Me: Whoa. That just blew my mind. Well it is a good thing that gay people can't get married then. Because everyone knows that gay people aren't human, or living for that matter. Haha. Classmate #1: .... Me: Go choke on a dick you stupid prick. I got in trouble, but it was worth it ;)