Friday, December 31, 2010
Hello my friends; As you who have followed this stumbling adventure, and as you others that may have read my side bar, I have been struggling to understand the difference between the lies I've told myself, my peers and my relatives, and the truth that lives within my soul. It was a difficult admission for me to realize that I am attracted to boy parts and not so much to girl parts. It has been an even greater difficulty to make that change in my life. So, I think, I study, I look and try to learn. One once said that if you free your mind then your ass will surely follow. A second but similar struggle, I've really run into a wall in dealing with Scottie's last challenge when speaking about the man who is behind bars for supposedly leaking to that wiki person where Scottie asked "what do we do about this [his abusive captivity]. I say all of that to introduce a vid I found on conformity. I will put up the link, but I am also going to try to put up the vid. It is long, somewhat dry, but if you can get past the academic drone, some of the questions that suddenly come crashing into my mind, and surely yours, are very interesting. For instance: Why does it take so damn long for simple things, like dadt and gay marriage, to be resolved and allowed to fly? They are obvious issues, and yet the loud minority seems to be the strongest. Why is there debate on Global Warming? Either it is or it ain't...call it. For that matter, why is it that arguments in the political sphere have little to do with fact, but people will quote you the by-lines with clear threat in their voices should you disagree. And, why do I find that I sometimes agree when I doubt what I'm agreeing to? Have I grown that weary? How has the "fair and balanced" (choke) "reporting" of fox news, which you likely read in Scottie's ToyBox, effected the way things have gone in this country and the way people think? Have you noticed the repeating catch phrases in the republican speakers? There is a reason for that. It has little to do with the truth. Why is Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Rielly, and that whole clan of mouths so successful? Why is it that I know more about the hygene habits of know-nothing celebrities than I know about the wars in Iraq, Afganistan, Korea, Darfur, Pakistan, ...do I need to go on?....after watching the news? How is it that I still find myself allowing other's opinions to influence my life, even in ways that make me unhappy? Shouldn't I be beyond this? You will surely have other questions....I didn't list all that I have. But, I think I did find an answer to Scottie. If you are reading, Scottie, here is the best answer I can come up with: Climb to the roof-tops, in blogger-form, and scream it as loud as you are able: THIS IS WRONG! Then, say it again, and again, and again. Encourage others to say it. Please take a moment, see the vid...it's less than 10-min., and the man says you will be less likely to be conforming after watching it. Not a cure, but awareness is its' own panacea. Here is the link...I can't seem to post the vid. http://www.wimp.com/conformityvideo/
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I guess I can't be too surprised, and yet it pisses me off. The charity calls, and why is it that they always come from the "out of area" part of town, or so says my caller id? I received a call yesterday, and having learned a bit I now ask questions. The first question: Who are you and for which charity are you calling? Well, I got the name of the charity. I suspect the call was coming from a second company. So, I told the nice man that I would look up his charity and if he felt confident that his charity would meet approval he could call back in a couple of days and we would discuss it. He asked if I wanted the charity's web site? I laughed and told him that wouldn't be necessary, I would look it up. He seemed discouraged when he hung up. Here's why... The charity, which purports that it's primary recipient is children suffering from leukemia, has received an "F" rating by the BBB and other raters. Of course, its own site is full of praise. My point: No matter how good the charity sounds, do your homework. It took me very little time to work through the fluff and find the meat of this charity. It was rotten.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Well, Christmas is over. The presents are all unwrapped and even the returns have been made. So, now we have to wonder if Santa has brought us the gifts we always wanted.
I have to laugh at myself a bit today. My parents left on their yearly migration, barking and snapping as they went with time-outs in the midst of it all for hugs goodbye. I'll see them again when the flowers are in bloom. And, danged if I don't find myself missing them. Even the dog is mopey. Go figure.
So, time to ask ourselves, did Santa bring the gift we really want?
I find that my soul is lonely for one beautiful and bold. One who will hold me in the night, when it's cold.
My heart is weary for the often times so many mothers cry when their son, a soldier, dies.
My hands feel useless when hunger I see, cramping the stomach of one so wee.
So I ask Santa, to return all my gifts. I realize I've forgotten so many things for my lists.
Let us open Peace. Let us unwrap Love. Let us light up forgiveness like stars up above.
Let us sing about Hope. Let us drink to Harmony. Let every cup floweth over in Plenty.
Let my Hand reach out to Your's, and Your's to Another.
Let us Give Thanks and Hug, like Brothers.
I don't know if Santa will honor such requests. I hope so.
Ask away. It couldn't hurt. Let your own requests be written below.
Have a very Happy New Year, my friends. With hugs; randy.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Hello all: Just to keep you up to date, there are a couple of new things to the blog. The first has to do with comments. I don't know if you are aware, but I recently received my first spam comment. I found it extremely rude of someone to do that. I've maintained a open comment section here, figuring I really enjoyed allowing people to comment as they feel and not edit or restrict what someone had to say. But, as we all know, spammers have no decency whatsoever. For now, I am going to maintain the open comment status. I may get some spam again...it seems to be that once these people find you they don't just go away. I hope you are not effected by this and please be careful about following any links or suggestions from such. I will try to stay on tope of things. If it get's too bad I will just go to moderated comments and ask you all to be patient with me. The second thing is that I am adding a link into the blog roll. I received a comment from "M" at Beautiful Planet about how he reworked his site and all. I visited, and it is obvious that he has done a great deal of work. I saw nothing that would be illegal....no grandmothers being butchered with kitchen cleavers or such, so it is being added. I did have one person tell me that he wasn't terrible fond of the site, but on review it really lives up to its name...it is all about beauty, the beauty that is all around us. So, up it goes. Please stop by and see all the wonderful work he has done. My last point is about the Christmas songs and such. I have let people know from the first that I believe in a loving God Who forgives me. I know that others do not, and that's ok too. I'm not here to judge or try to convert. But, as blogs are quite hedonistic by their very nature, and this one is about sharing things I find good and beautiful and life affirming in a world filled with things often the very opposite, I shared some songs that lift my soul, my heart, and help me deal with some very difficult times. I hope you who read the blog understand that I am not trying to shove God down anyone's throat. Sometimes, we can hear something beautiful, see something beautiful, and though there may be a message included with which we don't agree there are other things which are good to see. I hope you are able to find that with these. As I close this, and as the year is coming to a close, I want to thank all of you who have helped me through. I feel like I've grown a great deal this year, that I've dealt with some things that have weighed me down and held me down. If I am ever able to more return the favor, please write to me. I may not have an answer, but I have two ears - I can at least listen and cry, be angry or laugh with you. May you all have a Merry Christmas, a wonderful winter holiday in whatever manner that you do....and yes, I am an ignorant American, please tell me what is special for you this time of year and help me to be less parochial.....and may all of our New Year be filled with happiness.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I am struggling with the whole holiday thing this year. Just can't seem to shake this bit of depression that still lingers. So, looking to lift my heart and soul a bit I sought out some lifting vids and, well, here are some to share with you. I know not all of you celebrate Christmas, but beautiful things are beautiful in any context. I would suggest expanding the view of the second vid to get the full effect. Holiday Hugs to You All! These are, of course, not my work. Please note the authors as they have done wonderful work.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I began this blog with the intention of sharing things I found interesting, learning a bit about myself in a fairly safe environment, and sharing myself with a world I'd basically avoided. In the scope of this I've found I'm often touched by the pain of others, enough so that I've broken into the past and want to share something with anyone who is reading who may feel such pain and misery. This was inspired, in part, by reading the article on Milkboy's today about Seth. It somehow got me to tell a difficult story, full of sentence fragments and probably confused...it's one I probably should not tell. Well, before I wimp out, I'll post it and let the chips fall. To any who are thinking of ending their life. Don't. Please, just don't. I was born the youngest of two, to the distinct displeasure of the other. An older sister who surely would rather have had a puppy. I was the one who followed and pestered and wanted only to be loved, liked, wanted. To simply be wanted. In the years of my youth I never found the way to simply fit in. I was the middle child in the neighborhood, older or younger than the rest. I had no “best friend”, something I truly always wanted. Oh, there was no shortage of kids in my neighborhood, I just always felt a bit out of sync with them. It leaves a hunger in a kid, a wanting. In the course of time and days I found someone who seemed to want to spend time with me, who laughed at my jokes and antics but not at me, and who I found to be so very cool. He was four years older than me, but for a while that was just wonderful in my eyes. His name was Steve. I found that particular snake in Eden’s garden unstoppable, though. Scandal struck our little neighborhood when he was accused of forcing another boy to blow him. I didn’t know there were others who he had forced to do this; thought I was the only one. He laughed about it, and it seemed he had every right to laugh as nothing ever came of it. No one could stop him, it seemed. I was eleven when he caught me alone in the woods and raped me. Looking back, there are times in my life that are just simply grey and brown fog. Blocked out memories, compartmentalized moments. That was one such day. I remember little from it but feeling humiliated. I was embarrassed and just wanted to escape to my bedroom and disappear. It was just before school started, I remember. I was moving on to the Jr. High that year, afraid of all the new things that would come with that but looking forward just the same. It was the year I learned to love reading, reading my first real book “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. It was the year I found gym to be the most interesting and frightening place in the world, filled with kids getting naked for showers. I was pushed into the corner by some of the older kids after gym as one whispered into my ear he’d heard I gave good head and was a good fuck. I was eleven years old when I decided I’d had enough and got my father’s gun. I was too afraid to live anymore, and far too humiliated for it as well, but equally frightened of dying. I knew I’d go to hell. I knew it. And still, I couldn’t go on. With the barrel at my right eye, screaming at the top of my lungs for anyone and no-one to hear, the hammer slammed forward on nothing, and I’d realized I’d peed myself. I put the gun away and went to bed. I told Mom I wasn’t feeling well. I’d realized I was stuck. I was too afraid of living, I was too afraid to die. What the hell was I going to do tomorrow? I’m in my 40’s now. I’ve bumped my head on life a number of times, trying to understand the seemingly uncomprehendable. In many ways I’ve found that I’m still afraid of the what-ifs that live outside the walls I’ve built, but I’ve also found that there is life within these walls. I envy some of the young people I read about who seem to have found the way to embrace life, who have been able to be free and be themselves. I cry with the kids who believe there is no life worth living in their current misery. I’m no model, but dammit Hang On! It get’s better. To all the ones giving up, just please...hang on!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Maybe I should post this in Rants...Randy's Rants....nah.
Looking at Milkboy's today I saw an interesting post. They are in my "Sites I like" so go read about "Murder is ok, incest...".
Now, I don't watch a lot of tv. Part of that has to do with my work schedule, as most of the "good" shows are on in the evening when normal people watch tv. Best I can get is morning reruns of shows from the 1970's and 1980's or "news" - I put that in quotes...we all know why. But, having the parents here for a bit, who live and die by the next chapter in Mom's soap or their favorite cop shows and csi shows, I got a little taste of what is still the top draw for prime-time audiences: over-the-top drama and murder. Both of which I commented to them as being very depressing. I was told to hush, their show was on.
Recently books were taken down from a certain web site book seller, who I won't mention by name...see the Milkboy's article...and the downward spiral has begun. The interesting development was almost scripted and forecasted by everyone who has denounced book burning and banning for ages....it's a slippery slope.
Of course, it won't get to the extremes, right? We won't have another dark age where "the church" confiscates and burns anything that isn't the approved message....or remember the recent movie "The Book of Eli"? It won't get to that point, I'm sure. I keep telling myself that because anything else is quite paranoid and I reserve that for the people who keep following me. And yet, look at the "mainstreaming" that goes on now. Has anyone ever wondered, in this age of videos and "Pop-Idol", if Joe Cocker would have ever gotten a contract? He's got a beautiful heart and soul, but probably doesn't quite meet the "Pop-Idol" model. He's not alone...I've yet to get my call to the red carpet...and so those who know more about this can tell you that the music industry has become so mainstreamed as to stifle creativity. "Video killed the radio star...". Now, in the best interests of all readers, we must mainstream our literal offerings so as not to offend any little soul. We must protect the reader at all costs.....and so goes the new ideas, the creativity, the pushing of the envelope.
There are many things written that I would not care to have enter into my pure little mind, as jaded as it is. There are certain envelopes that I've found I'd rather not push too far. And yet, as an adult, it is truly my responsibility to screen that for myself. I don't like images of violence and murder....and can we tone it back on the csi shows! Well, don't watch them some would say. Ah, a brilliant idea!
Can you imagine? Can you believe that as an adult I could choose to not watch something, not read something, or at least not believe something?
Must I have someone safeguard my poor little mind from the things that go boo! in the bookstore?
I know bs when I see it. I follow c-span now and again and I see the political ads. Is it so far fetched that I can decide what is and what is not acceptable for myself?
Why is murder wonderful and sex dirty? Who decided that lying, cheating, hurting, dying, fighting, getting hit in the nads and "political correctness" competing with "political morality" can all come through, but if some lady at a football game shows a boobie the world comes to a screaching halt?
Well, the good news; the history books are still available so we can script the future.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Like any red blooded American sod, I do like a beer now and again. Especially after a rough shift at work. Working the night shift does make for some odd looks though. I guess we have to all have the same drinking schedule. Who makes up these rules?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hello Everyone; Since beginning this blog and looking for things to share, it has been my distinct pleasure and chagrin to be often surprised and humbled by youngsters. Kids, really, what do they know? Well, somewhere along the way they listened to the words and the meanings without the duplicity the adults mix into the message. Such is the case below. I would encourage you to watch this video. Rather than simply posting the vid, I am posting the link as I noticed other vids in the same area very worthwhile and interesting. Please let me know what you think. http://www.youtube.com/user/GetEQUAL#p/f/4/Iho2Q5eWQyQ Thanks to Amar for bringing it to my attention and allowing me to steal it from him to post here. :)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
It's been a difficult week. I've had the company of my parents, normally not a horrible thing - at least in short doses, but...well, it's been a long time since it was more than just me and the dog for any extended time and I've had them here since before Thanksgiving. The dog is loving the extra attention, of course. And, with the funeral being put off a week...now coming in just a matter of days...it's been an extra stressful time with this open sore in my heart and mind. So, I decided I needed something nice to look at for a moment, something warm and wet and...well, and thought I would share same with you. Happy viewing! -randy
Sunday, December 5, 2010
As I recover to this particular hit to my little world I find myself confronted with the notion that my little world may be just a bit bigger....or that this large world may be a bit smaller.
I was the awestruck and appreciative recipient of condolences and hugs from all around the world...from here in the States, England, Germany, and from people in places I'm not aware. It was an incredible heartfelt gesture by people in this little community, and the empathy you showed for my plight helped me see I wasn't alone. Thank you.
I saw this demo/vid and wanted to share it with you. I felt myself a bit awestruck and unsure of what to think at the end. I thought about how I can improve the mood of the people about me by improving my own mood. I thought how my friends about the world are only known to me by this little box sitting on my desk, but their impact on my life and my heart is so very much more. Also, I realized that all the pop songs about us being sojourners on this spaceship earth may be just a bit closer to the truth than some would find comfortable.
Well, follow the thread and see it for yourself. Tell me what you think. -randy.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I just wanted to share with you that the Aunt that I had spoken about on November 17 passed away last night. Her son and best friend were with her, and loved ones had been around her all during the day. I guess if it comes one's time to go, moving on when loved ones can be there with you to send you on your way peaceably is the best.
She was my constant supporter, a dear heart who lived up to the reputation for red-heads. I will find myself missing her very much.