Saturday, December 28, 2013

The lonely walker

This year, at about 9pm on Christmas Eve, my Aunt invited to join the extended family for Christmas Dinner.  I quickly realized the cost of this offer, so I accepted, despite my heart screaming "NO!".
  I think I told  you all about how my generation of my family has quite effectively ostracized me.  I live within 8 miles of my sister and cousins, but have seen none of them in years - and then only in passing.  I've never met my niece or nephew.
 At first, it was difficult, being judged and told what a horrible person I am.  Then, as years rolled by, I began to realize that I really don't need them, really don't care for the people they show themselves to be.  I found that there is peace and harmony in life spent away from those who don't love or like me, and while I hurt and ache for being judged and condemned, it has become more a hurt from the very act and less from the people doing the act.
  And so I sat watching as my cousins roll into my aunt's house, a house I realize I've not been in for more than the time it takes to complete simple tasks for over 20 years, laughing and wishing everyone a merry merry fucking holiday and I realized that being spiritually, emotionally and mentally kicked for so many years leaves me flinching in the face of these smiling faces.  I am suddenly more miserable than I thought I could be and still paste a smile on my face.  In short order, I found reason to leave.  I came home to my dog, to my wonderful Gracie who always loves me, and realized that life is far too short for being around people who don't choose to like me.