Saturday, December 28, 2013

The lonely walker

This year, at about 9pm on Christmas Eve, my Aunt invited to join the extended family for Christmas Dinner.  I quickly realized the cost of this offer, so I accepted, despite my heart screaming "NO!".
  I think I told  you all about how my generation of my family has quite effectively ostracized me.  I live within 8 miles of my sister and cousins, but have seen none of them in years - and then only in passing.  I've never met my niece or nephew.
 At first, it was difficult, being judged and told what a horrible person I am.  Then, as years rolled by, I began to realize that I really don't need them, really don't care for the people they show themselves to be.  I found that there is peace and harmony in life spent away from those who don't love or like me, and while I hurt and ache for being judged and condemned, it has become more a hurt from the very act and less from the people doing the act.
  And so I sat watching as my cousins roll into my aunt's house, a house I realize I've not been in for more than the time it takes to complete simple tasks for over 20 years, laughing and wishing everyone a merry merry fucking holiday and I realized that being spiritually, emotionally and mentally kicked for so many years leaves me flinching in the face of these smiling faces.  I am suddenly more miserable than I thought I could be and still paste a smile on my face.  In short order, I found reason to leave.  I came home to my dog, to my wonderful Gracie who always loves me, and realized that life is far too short for being around people who don't choose to like me.


Anonymous said...

It's unfortunate that they chose to boot you out of their lives, yet so many seem to think this is the "solution". I am glad you managed to escape, and return home to a place where you are loved. So many bloggers, especially of the gay sort (are we a "sort"? hahaha) tell of tales like this, and it breaks my heart. A 17 year old in Louisiana whose mother was worried about what the neighbors would think, an adult in Delaware who lost family and friends by coming out. So far, I've been lucky, but that is because I haven't taken out any billboards, nor gotten my orientation tattooed across my forehead. But the day will come when I show up at something with a guy on my arm, and you can bet the spittle will fly. So we shall see. I hope that despite that short interlude that you and Gracie had a fine Christmas, and are looking forward to a grand New Year!

Peace <3

Anonymous said...

Hi Randy, loved man,
I sooo feel for you. I left the home of my fosterparents exactly when I became 18 - 54 years ago. ... and I 'm glad that I never looked back. My foster-parents and their kids never looked at me - or even let me feel they loved me.
Its a pity, I developed into a man, who is a bit like them.
with rainbowhugs
<3 miles

randy said...

Hi Jay;

You know, I am no child. I own my own home... well, me and my mortgager... I have my own work, my own transportation, my own little life. I am not a child, a young adult, with nothing. And yet, it hurts, it aches. My sorrow is for those who have nothing and lost everything that they thought they had by such condemnation.
I send my love to all who hurt this year. This pain will not go away, but a funny thing happens... some day you will realize that family is not blood and friend is not conditional.
Thank you Jay, and to all who wish, this blog is open. My email is to the side. I am here...if a bit slow in my responses.


randy said...

Hi Miles;
I am not sure I know how you are like them in ways you don't wish to be, but anyone who sends me "rainbow hugs" is wonderful in my book!

I send rainbow hugs to you, and smiles. You made me smile... thankyou!


Scottie said...

Randy as long as Ron and I live, you always have family that not only love you for you, but admire the person you are. You are so cool, grand and wonderful, that the loss is entirely theirs, not yours. Like you say, you have made it in this life.

Thanks for being who you are and a wonderful brother...Hugs

randy said...

Aww.. you're sweet Scottie, thanks. I just think about that picture of the plate I posted some time back... thrown on the floor, broken. ok, now say you're sorry.... all better? Really? Still broken... hmmm?
We, all of us, have feelings. It hurts to be kicked. And yet, as a species we seem to do it so quickly.

hugs and loves to all, and especially to you, my brother!