Tuesday, April 27, 2010


>And the world crashes around you... There is a trial each of us goes through; each man who, as a young boy, realizes he sees the world in a way that differs from that of his father, his brother, his friend, his hyperactively oppressive juggernaught of a middle school peer pressure induced please God don't let me be seen as different social image oppressed desire to fit in somehow community. Did you get that? Well, it doesn't translate to words so well...it's so much easier felt alone, afraid, in the dark. Perhaps it is because I can look back now on that time, still with some cloudy lenses I'll admit, and see the heart of the boy...even if I can't see what was in the mind...and I can understand that those fears were so very real, so very crippling. Was I afraid to come out to my father....hell yes. Of course, "coming out" was not a term so easily understood then. I didn't know there was a whole series of terms associated with what I was feeling...for that matter, I refused to feel anything. I flat out refused to open my mind to the possibility that there was anything wrong. Nope. Not here. Instead, I just closed my world around me and only allowed those things that were safe to peek into that little dark realm. But, for now, I am not going to talk about the whole coming out phenomenon...it's been done. For anyone going through any portion of this, you have a feel for what I am saying. What I want to talk about is the compounding of shame. As I said, it is becuase I can look back on the boy from this middle age and recognize the fears that I am so angry now. And, who gets such anger thrust upon them you ask? The Church! I am a Christian. Yep, boo now...it is often not seen as cool. But, perhaps it is because of the shame the church (case intended) tries to lay at the steps of people. Not just the people who go to that church and subscribe to the diatribe from the pulpit, but anyone in ear shot. Nonetheless, I love God; I love what He has done for me; I love that He loves little ole me. (Trust me...there are few enough who love me that I appreciate those that do.) I enjoy listening to the local Christian music station, the so called "contemporary" Christian music is so filled with hope and love. That same hope and love I hear in the music helps me not to shoot the talking heads that dj and administer the station. In the unlikely event that such a talking head is reading this please read closely here: Christainity is not about shame...it is about love. So, I forgive my father his words of disgust in reference to homosexual people; he is a product of his environment and is just as open to error as anyone. To be human is to err, yes? And, I forgive my classmates and friends, who I just knew would have sought out my destruction as any weak being in their midst and fair game for "deflect attention to:_____". They were young and just as open to foolishness as anyone. I have no forgiveness for the Church, which would heap shame upon troubled souls.... Let me say this again: You, who claim you speak for God yet do not read his Word - or at least do not read his Word without trying to manipulate It, I am calling you out for your horror of duplicity. Jesus speaks no where about homosexuality, only love. The Old Testament, for which you garner your argument, does speak against it...briefly and in context, along with a whole host of other things. Chief among them adultery, but since that is so rampant in the congregation and pulpit it strikes a bit close, huh? How about lying? The Old Testament is supposed to show that there is no possible way to live without sin, to meet God on even terms is rediculous because we are born in sin. This is not a time to scrub ourselves clean...it can't be done...it is a time to realize that the Christian faith says Jesus has taken that upon Himself. HOW DARE YOU try to cherry pick your acceptable sins! Jesus called out the Pharisees, a group of very devout Jews who truly tried to live without sin - if we can presume their words and hearts coincided, for being so bold as to point out the doorway to heaven and then stand in the way of others trying to enter. Those vipers now in the pulpit who at one breath tell me Jesus loves me and with the other scream how he hates me because I am gay need a moment with Him indeed. HOW DARE YOU tell me God hates me!? I have enough confusion in my life...I have enough shame with my father and community, how am I supposed to live with the thought that God hates me too? SO.....there is the Judgement. Isn't it funny, folks? Isn't it queer? Losing my timing so late in my career....this is most likely the first time I have admitted publicly, even though annonymously, that I am gay. Send in the clowns...If there are some of you out there who understand my struggle, especially if there are some of you younger ones who have been so fortunate to grow in a society that is both more accepting of homosexuality and more able to make life a living hell, allow me to speak clearly for God. Love God. Love other people who He created. And know above all else that He Loves You! To those who would try to put words of hate in God's mouth.....be prepared for warmer climates. love; randy.


Anonymous said...

Hello Randy. I have no real words of wisdom for you. Your journey was greatly different than mine. If a belief in a deity brings you comfort and well being, then that is a good thing that I support. I am not a religious person by current definition but I have nothing against anyone who does. I hope your writing will bring you the peace you were seeking then.

Just one thing. More people care for you than you seem to know. The old saying, "give people a chance" comes to mind.

I care about you.

Stories, thoughts, ideas, dreams, fantasies said...

Thanks Scottie.....a whole lot of kicks in the head can color one's perspectives.

Stories, thoughts, ideas, dreams, fantasies said...

Actually Scottie, I'm not what would be called religious either. The church that I was baptised and went through sunday schooling, well...I was told I wasn't welcome. So, belief in God or a Supreme Being is different from "religious". After my experiences, "religious" means brainwashed from the pulpit of an angry little man who manipulates God's Word for his own purposes.

J said...

I was raised a Catholic, but can not support a religion that did not treat all people fairly. Even as a child I could not grasp the concept that no woman were allowed to be priests. Weren't woman as important to God as men? As a child I had no idea what gay was other then meaning happy so that this factor never applied to my decision making process. To make a long story short, my god unequivocally loves everyone, no ifs, ands, or buts.

I thoroughly enjoy your blog! JR

Stories, thoughts, ideas, dreams, fantasies said...

Thank You, JR...I appreciate that a lot.

Anonymous said...

i too have a strong belief in god but i shun all forms of organized religion. i am 69 now and have lived alone for many years. i just found your blog from a link from scotties toybox... i am thankful that i have found your blog. i also find young adult males attractive, but at my age there are non or at least very few that would find me attractive, which is why i have spent so many years alone. i love your blog and will be back to visit again.


randy said...

Thank you very much bschroeder. I find that some people confuse God and religion a bit. I would love to have you email me at the email listed on the front page. Please consider.
Thank you for your comment. I am so sorry to be so late in finding it. I am still not sure how to set this darn thing so taht I see the new comments, so found this only by checking each post.
I send you a hug. :)


Anonymous said...

I'm late in the game, but this post moved me. In some ways, my life was like this, too. I hid, and suppressed myself, for various reasons and over and over, until finally, I just couldn't any more. So I did it. I started coming out. It's been a process that has been both joyful, trying and at times, terrifying.

I hope, as I read through your blog some more, I find more and more of the last line of your "A Bit About Me".

Peace <3

randy said...

Hi Jay;
I have been a bit lazy and not read the "comments" page, but just checked the last few posts for comments - so missed your comments on these early posts.
I wish I'd been braver and just jumped into the middle of life. As I look back now on these many months, since writing this post it's been nearly three years! - I can see the growth in me, but sadly I see I'm not in a relationship yet, I've not come out to my father yet - though I have to my mother, and I am still not in a church regularly nor do I feel accepted enough by my community to 'come out'.
I guess I'm not very happy with my progress right now, a bit sad really.
I have a long way to go.

Thanks Jay. I needed this "look back".