Friday, December 16, 2011
Where the mind takes me.... a scary ride.
Ok, somewhere around there. I think I was 11 or 12. So, a bit early. What brings this memory crashing down, you ask? Well, like most of my memories, stashed and pushed into their own little corners, this one was dragged out kicking and screaming by this little fantastic, exceptional and heartwarming story found on Milkboys of acceptance, making things right, and making a way for things to be right: http://milkboys.org/article/the-kid-who-simply-knew/. I would love for you to read this story, if you haven't already. Go ahead....... I'll wait.
Back now? Cool story, huh. Well, my story is not nearly so cool, so I guess I would completely understand if you wanted to quit now while you were ahead..... Well, don't complain later if you don't.
Way back when, the skies were brighter, the air cleaner, there was a wonder in the world that new eyes could see and appreciate....and little randy was getting ready for holloween. You in other countries may not have such a holiday, but it's second only to Christmas in kids' eyes here. To dress up and traipse through the neighborhood begging for candy from neighbors and total strangers with equal underlying half considered threats of vengence upon those so stingy as to rebuke the beggars... For a kid, it's magic.
Most years I went as a ghost, a hobo, a pirate or a vampire.... whatever we could create here at the house. It was a time when there wasn't a great deal of money in the household for more elaborate costumes. Well, this particular year, I'd realized that my main friends had grown distant. It was a period of time in which I'd been taken aside by the local bully, who was either gay or ??? and, like all kids do, they somehow knew and stayed away from me. They were still there, just distant....and this is actually the holloween either just after or a year after I'd realized I was way over my head - the only way kids ever learn, when it went from fun to scary. I was healing by this time, more or less ok.... but still had issues, I guess. For holloween that year, I went out alone... I designed my costume, my disguise, in haste and with little help, utilizing two small cups from the bathroom - you know, those little paper/plastic ones of about 2oz? - and a funny blond wig, finishing it all off with long winter underwear and one of my sister's nighties...... you have to imagine the shock on my father's face, because I totally missed it. Perhaps that was the first time the folks realized that little randy had issues. Perhaps not.
So, I guess the whole odd point to this story....yes, there is a point: perhaps it is only kids who can be honest enough with themselves, unencumbered by the full weight of societal expectations and concepts of normality, to even come close to knowing who they really are. And, yet, there are others who insist upon placing time and distance upon these fresh growing minds and souls to reportedly allow them to "grow up and determine who they really are" rather than listen and support them as they are. I wonder, sometimes, what life would have dealt had I been more honest with myself.