Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Thoughts...

Hi Friends:

I just watched another video about another Christian group talking about the end of the world being brought about by glbt folks.

Maybe I need to tell you about my youth. I could tell you how I grew up teased, I grew up knowing I was different and fought anyone who pushed at me hard enough to make me prove I wasn't different. I could tell you about how I became a bully to show that I was just like everyone else. I could tell you how I remember so very vividly going to a party with my "girlfriend". We kissed in the driveway; long, toungefilled kisses with groping hands and I had my mind searching for how to do whatever I was doing, thinking my way through a kiss....and, how my mind would go back to the fooling around that I did with the a couple neighborhood kids and how wonderful that felt and how I wanted it to last forever.

I knew I was different, and it scared me to death. Still does. Everytime I hear someone talking about someone who is gay and I see the facial expressions, everytime I wonder if I will be forced to "out" myself a little bit more as I begin to defend someone's right to be different, every time I look in the mirror and wonder where my life went, trying to live like other people want me to live. How very wasteful. How so very wasteful.

You wonderful people have asked me "why don't you come out". And I know, it is because I am still afraid. I have lived so long, so much of my life, hiding who I was from those who ought to love me regardlesss of who I find sexy. Can I simply stop and say 'Heeere's Randy!'?

There are some of you out there who have been outed, or outed yourself, and you are suffering the consequences. So many have even gone so far as to commit suicide, being unable to stand the criticism and the bullies. You believe yourself in a living hell that has only one escape. I tell you that you are not in hell. You are free.

You are free like the butterfly, fighting free of the confining mess of his transformation. You are free despite the horrible things people say. You are my heroes. You are my idols, my wanna-be's, my hopes.

You see, hell is living a lie. Hell is living alone, afraid of what will be said. Hell is knowing that it is dumb to feel this way, wasteful, horrible, and yet afraid to venture out. I tell you, you are suffering, but you are not in hell.

So, I tell you and hope that it will somehow strengthen me; no matter what assholes like Pat Robinson, Westborough Church, and who-ever else wants to preach hate from the pulpit; no matter the bullies that are so desperate for their time in the sun - it's very short lived, you know...it peaks in highschool and then is gone; no matter what people "who love you" seem to think, BE FREE.

7 comments:

Scottie said...

hello Randy. I turn it back on people. Like today. A female nurse called me a "flaming liberal" and I responded "that is not all I am flaming at"....she broke up and then we had no tension. She worked beside me with no problems.

I don't necessarily agree with people who think we need to announce we are gay. None of my straight friends do that, well the very young might , but not the adults I work with. So why should I make an announcement. But I live my life. I refer to Ron properly as my committed life partner, my spouse and talk about our life together. I some times call him my sweety or some other such thing. Never in a in your face way, but in general conversation. I simply am the same as my co-workers. Why should it be different.

Not every one has the lucky situation I do. I am secure in my self, my relationship, and my income. I can change jobs if needed, and I have protections in my work place. One guy made a slur and even though I did not report it, some one else did and it cost him dearly. Almost all of the hospital staff has no problem with anything gay.

So I can afford to have my attitude. I can totally understand those who might have hostile co-workers they would have to deal with, face the uncertainty of losing their job, of being shunned by the people they know. So I say each person is different and needs to do what is good for themselves as the feel the need to be.

many warm hugs.
Scottie

Scottie said...

Randy for some reason I have a really hard time commenting on your site. Most time s it simply wont do it. I often write a comment only to lose it because it wont post. This time I copied the comment and posted it six times before it took. I switched browsers and it still took several times. So if you don't see a post from me it is not that I did nto try.

And this browser has no spell check. Sorry.
Warmes hugs
Scottie

randy said...

Hi Scottie;
Thank you for going through so much just to comment here. That is incredible.
I have no idea why comments are difficult. But, the good news, I have no idea what to do to change that. ?????

My only thought is to hit the preview button then the post comment button, then do a little dance, spit over your left shoulder and bow to the four winds while being sure not to make your own.

randy said...

See, I can post a comment even by accident. Oops.

Scottie, you are lucky to work in such a welcoming place, and your comfort with yourself likely has a great deal to do with it. Besides, everyone knows you're a liberal. ;)

Many hugs and love;
randy.

scottiestoybox.com said...

Yup, one of those flaming ones.....lol Good morning to you. Hope you are well. I have several errands and then I plan to spend they day catching up on your site and some email. Now lets see if that dance works...I really think it is a fight between Google's blogger and my word press credits. Hugs

scottiestoybox.com said...

hey the dance worked????????thanks LOL

randy said...

Scottie;
You're killing me here! I wanted to see that dance, too. Dangit. I've been thinking a lot about word press. One good thing about this one is that I've learned some html code. Not much, but enough to really screw some stuff up.
hugs;
randy.