Monday, September 2, 2013

Who I am, Who you are.

Hello Friends;

  I read a post by Jay recently, and it was a great post - but it bothered me.  I couldn't put my finger on why, and that bothered me even more.  Here is his great post:  http://jayinva.blogspot.com/2013/09/top-of-mind.html
  I am a very poor "blogger friend".  I rarely comment, and it's not because I don't care.  It has more to do with the fact that it is rare that my thoughts are all that unique to what is already made in comment.  I will often simply comment to let the person know that I visited, that I care - maybe pass on a thought, but mostly to let them know that I care.  In this case, I wanted to tell Jay he was simply horny, but that would have been sarcastic and not respecting the thought and intent of his post.  I do hope you will read it!
Then there are the times when, much like a gorilla passing a playground spinning wheel, my mind is sent on a blur of odd thoughts and memories, fears, hopes and dreams by a post.  Sometimes it isn't what the blogger had in mind at all, but as a
testament to his/her ability to convey ideas that breed ideas that spin-off into to sky, there I am with a confused look on my face.  It takes me days, weeks, or never... I may never understand what is bothering me about the post, about the ideas and thoughts that I found from the post.
  Much like Jay, I've kept my true self hidden for a very long time.  Unlike Jay, I've yet to have the courage to be completely open with the world about who I am.
    Many moons ago, I made a post with an odd picture of a boy in strange garb.  I say that with the utmost respect, so please don't shoot me - well, dang, let me see if I can find it... ok, here it is.   I thought the young man beautiful, and at the risk of using a phrase that is surely to be turned, I have that same flower growing in my own garden, so it further caught my eye.  I enjoyed the colors, the odd rope thing, the flowing cover, and the weird interplay between confidence and vulnerability that I see in his expression.  I gotta say, don't like the ear thing - sorry.  Not into that.  But, no matter, I was so very drawn to the picture because, in my mind, it cried out "Here I am.  I am beautiful.  Accept me."..... ok, made me just a bit horny, too.  But, you get my point.
    Today, I saw this post, and I'm going to give you the link and the pic... enlarge the pic if you need to see it better:  http://boyboxrebellion.blogspot.com/2013/09/dolly.html

What bothered me, in Jay's post, in my own thoughts, and began to gel in this new post I saw on 'rebellion..... We are so very much more that the image we portray, the concept or judgement of those about us.  We are influenced, even to the point of allowing those things to begin to define us, but we are so very much more than that.
  Martin Luther King Jr.called out his dream of a time when people would be judged on the content of their character.  Even in such a utopian image do I find difficulty, because who says that judgement to be fair or accurate?  You see, I too have a dream:  I have a dream that Life will be considered Unique and Treasured.  I have a dream that all little boys and girls will be judged not on the colors they wear, but will be treasured for the beauty of their heart and mind, their Spirit.  That each of us will be understood as a masterpiece of Unique sculpture, impossible to be exactly reproduced and priceless.  I have a dream that all of us will treat others with respect, care and no one will be hungry, cold, afraid, alone.    Hugs.       May your dreams be Grand.

3 comments:

Jay M. said...

A wonderful post, Randy. Thank you. And thank you for the shout out!

I know how my post could easily seem like it's all about sex/being horny/being obsessed with that all the time. I freely admit that I am horny a LOT. Even at 54, the libido hasn't eased one little bit since my teen years, even if I can't perform quite as often as I once could.

But this post was more about everything ELSE! Will I ever find a relationship? Will I ever be assimilated into the gay community? Etc. etc. etc.

Courage? I don't know. Perhaps resignation, and tiredness. Tired of hiding. Tired of worrying what others might think. Tired of repressing myself into someone who had no shot at ever being in a relationship.

And all that has combined into GAY being the top thought in my mind parade!

Thanks again, Randy. You wrote another thought provoking post.

Peace <3
Jay

randy said...

Hi Jay;
As I mentioned in the post, I have a tendency to get lost in thought on something mentioned by someone else. It doesn't always follow with the poster's original intention, but so goes my mind.
I think, to a degree, we were both speaking on identity and meeting the world as one truly stands - internally. It was a great post and got me thinking. And, I'm really glad that you liked this post.
Hugs!
randy

Scottie said...

Hello Randy. I loved this post, and I got two different things out of it. One is wanting acceptance of who we are regardless of who / what we are. The other is our own acceptance and measure of what we are.

I read Jay's post and it was a good introspective piece. I liked it. I can honestly say I went through a period like this, except mine was a long time ago in my senior year at Pioneer Valley Academy...where I thought I was the only gay boy in the entire ( small private church ) school. Turns out I was wrong about that, but we were all to scared and indoctrinated to speak up and find each other.

It have to tell you that I learned early on to value my self as those around me did not. I went my own way with little regard to social norms and the pressures of "family" or such. I believe you know why it was easier for me than most.

Even in two tours of the military, I was just me. For good or bad. In those days I could have been discharged, but it did not matter, most of the people I met simply accepted me as gay without any big deal or production. After all I neither went out of my way to advertise it, but I have to say I never hid it and being me, my personality it was easy for most people to tell. I had many suitors and lots of dates in the military, including in school my own sargent fell in love with me.

So I was lucky in my life, I simply was me, did not know how or wish to pretend or even mask who or what I was. I felt no need to shout my being gay from the rooftops, but I did not hide my joy in guys and my current dating status. Even working at the nuke plant with "rednecks with guns", I was not afraid to be me, and everyone knew I was gay and living with a man. It cost me the supervisors job even though they admitted I had the highest test scores ever ( they asked me to withdraw my application because "no one will ever follow the orders of a gay guy" and I refused..told them to put it in writing why they rejected me)

I still love looking at the cute guys, wherever I find them, work or out shopping or whatever. I simply don't find being gay to be the defining me. I am both more than just gay, and it is just a part of me, not my entire life. I don't know how to separate any part of me from the rest and that goes for being gay.

I simply am Scottie, the whole package is me. To single out one aspect and make it all of me, seems to diminish who and what I am.

I hope this makes sense, and I also hope no one feels pressured to come out, to act in a way they don't beleive, to accept a label others wish to put on them. We are people, humans and we are the sum of all our parts.

Now to how people judge us or see us...I often feel that is more on the viewer than the viewed. If someone doesn't like me for a good reason, that is something for me to think on and maybe change, but if someone doesn't like me for something that means nothing, like my sexuality, then that is a comment on them. If I have a problem with a PT who can't help himself, it is a problem in me, but also if a PT is a problem because of something they do willingly and trying to be mean or hurtful, I am not the one with the problem, they are.

Hope this makes some kind of sense. many hugs