Sunday, November 25, 2012

It was a beautiful dream

Hello darkness, my old friend;
I've come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its image while I was sleeping.
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
It still my closet.

 Hi everyone;
  Over the weekend, I've had time to consider my closet.   It's a theme I've thought about numerous times, so I hope you don't mind, but it's on my mind a lot.  But, perhaps that's just the thing:  As we think on something we come closer to the solution, and conversely, as we avoid something we hide from the very truth of it.  So, in order to be in control of my very life, I need to be in control of my closet - as it were - and that requires that I,at least, know the truth and can be comfortable with that truth. 
The Media and America
  The concept of a translucent closet is likely not new.  There have been some celebrities who came out only to have the world utter "duh".  And, there have been others who were dragged out kicking and screaming by a media and public intent upon knowing every iota of a celebrity's life - whether that tidbit of information is relevant to the world or not.  And, while some celebrities at least have the finances to leave their situation if need be, there are many who are not so blessed.  I read a story of a teenager who was quite forcibly removed from his closet by the betrayal of his brother, only to then be kicked out of his house at 15 to live on the streets where he was robbed, raped, beaten and starved before finding his way.  He still somehow is gay - even after all that negativity attached to the concept.  He must choose being gay over living at home, huh?
  So, who am I and what do I want from life?  I think I deserve to have a life the way I want, for the most part, don't you?  After all, I am a homeowner, ok - the mortgagor still owns a fair portion, I work more than a 40 hour week, I help my neighbors, I volunteer with community stray animal rescue, I pay my taxes, pay my bills and obligations, don't speed..... much....
But, somehow, I don't count as much to society as the guy who has children - even who has numerous children that he doesn't care for. ?
  America has lost its' mind.  Like a bunch of sheep, it has allowed hypocrites and control freaks to declare, dictate, legislate and politicize my very freedom.  Who are they?  Where are they when my feet are cold, when I ache from loneliness and just want to know that I'm loved?  Why do they get a vote on who shares my bed, my life, when they aren't willing to be in my bed or my life?  This is not the way I wanted this article to go, but dammit I'm angry that groups like NOM and others get to put in their two cents when, quite frankly, they don't care!
  Well, angry is not how I want to live my life.... let me tell you about this dream I had last night:  I lived a great portion of my childhood within biking distance of the beach.  And, during my 14th summer, that is where I spent the majority of my days.  I would ride there in the morning after my chores were done, spend the day with friends or even alone in the sun and the surf, turning brown in the sun, then come home before the parents to finish off any chores before dinner.  It was a good summer, and quite frankly, my last good summer.  So, perhaps that's why I still dream of it at times.   And, that's where I was last night.  No one cared that I was holding hands with another man, that we were in love, that we were "out in the open".  We were just us, among a bunch of other "us"es.  It was a beautiful dream.


Anonymous said...

I think we all share that dream. I know I do. I remember carefree teenage years, but still in the closet, as I have been up until a little over 2 years ago. But a true relationship still eludes me, so my dream isn't finished...yet...
Peace <3

Sammy B said...

Hello Randy
You certainly deserve life your own way, and if the NOM and the other haters don't like it, then that's their problem, and should never be yours. I'm probably - no, definitely - a very poor role model for 'living the dream', given how difficult to attain my particular dream is, but I hope very much you get the chance to live yours.

Love & best wishes
Sammy B

randy said...

Hi Jay;
You have the bravery I wish I had, wish I could make that step. May our dreams come true soon.


randy said...

Thank you, Sammy;
I had a conversation with my parents this weekend about gun control. Personally, at my size, I really don't need a gun so much as, say, a woman living alone in a rough area. But, does that give me the right to decide she shouldn't have one? Unfortunately, there seems to be many who have no horse in the race deciding the outcomes of things, like NOM. Why should they care if gay men want to marry? Do they think an unmarried gay man is more likely to fall for one of them, then? It's crazy.
Thank you for your care and hopes.

Scottie said...

Hello Randy. Sorry to take so long to respond to this post. I want you to know something. Your grand how you are, how ever you want to be. The time of the idea of a closet is long is not real.

We each live our lives. We do the best we can. To assume that what works for one person will work for everyone else is stupid to the extreme. no two people are the same, no two people have the same feelings and needs. So to say that we all need to act the same is just silly.

I love your dream, the beach is some where I wish to go with you and if you come here I will make it a point to take you to several beaches and hope they can rekindle your dream. But the idea of that summer, of the way you want to be lives in you, as it does me.

Randy each of us has a different set of circumstances, a different set of needs. To say we should all act one way is....more than silly.

I can do what I do because I live where I live, my needs work out with it, and I have no worries it will cost me my home, job, life.

I wouldn't ask someone who could be killed by just announcing they are gay to come out and state such, I wouldn't ask someone who needs his job and would lose it to come out. Silly.

Look the "straight" people I know don't walk up to me and announce that they have sex with people of the opposite sex, so I see no need to go around announcing I have sex with someone if my sex. However just this last week a older cleaning lady, who was moaning about the work she does asked me about my "wife". I told her my spouse worked here with me. She went on about how happy she and I should be..and I told her...HIM...she spouse is a HIM...She stopped and then looked at me strange and walked away...but she insisted on talking about my "wife" so I corrected her misconception. I can do that because I can NOT be fired, I can NOT be discriminated against for it and I am liked a lot by my director and my senior nurses...who would rush to my aid should it become a problem.

So I am at my age safe. Not that I always was, but even in the military as a private, I was dating my Sargent in charge of again I was sort of protected.

So what is good for one is not good for another....that is important to remember. Hugs

randy said...

Hi Scottie;
I got a laugh about how people may come up to their coworkers and say "I have sex with someone of the opposite gender!" The silliness of it made me laugh, and then I realized that it made just as little sense to state the other side of that story.
I don't know if I can ever go back to that happy time. It was special, and even that particular beach is gone - got washed out in a storm. But, I hate to think the dream is all I have left.
I look forward to seeing your favorite beach :)